


One More Light

by Kristaleyes



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Dreams and Nightmares, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, NarutoxGaara - Freeform, Rating May Change, Recovery, References to Depression, Self-Destruction, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-22
Packaged: 2019-03-22 22:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 17,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13774404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kristaleyes/pseuds/Kristaleyes
Summary: Naruto could recognise that it was wrong, but it's all he has ever known. Everyone knows him as the number one, hyperactive, knuckle-headed ninja but that's just how he acted for the sake of others. To begin with it was to protect himself. A way to show the villagers that he was stronger than their hatred, could smile through their fear. For the most part he had convinced himself that he was stronger but sometimes the only thing that got him through was by bleeding out his pain.Posted on fanfiction.com under the same name





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains self-harm, suicide attempts and my own personal understanding of depression. If these things trigger you, i advise you stop reading now.
> 
> I do not own the characters of Naruto, they belong to Masashi Kishimoto.
> 
> Happy reading xx

Naruto could recognise that it was wrong, but it’s all he has ever known. Everyone knows him as the number one, hyperactive, knuckle-headed ninja but that’s just how he acted for the sake of others. To begin with it was to protect himself. A way to show the villagers that he was stronger than their hatred, could smile through their fear. For the most part he had convinced himself that he was stronger but sometimes the only thing that got him through was by bleeding out his pain. Now, the act remains to protect himself from their affection. It’s a strange position to be in, going from being hated to being the saviour of a village… being famous. Naruto can recognise that the way he handles his emotions is not healthy but honestly by this point there isn’t much he can do to stop.

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

The day started out just like any other… alone.

 

As Naruto watched the sunrise he started to calculate how many more sunrise he thought he would have… how many more he could handle having before he was consumed by his own mind. As he rose from his bed, he looked around his apartment and chuckled softly _‘Nothings really changed, I’m still a mess’_ he thought, noting the state of the bare apartment, riddled with dust and rubbish. It’s not that Naruto didn’t tidy the apartment during his ‘good days’, it’s just that he didn’t have many good days anymore. Everything ached, not from trading, no he was a perfect physical specimen. Everything hurt from the constant tension in his muscles, the constant battles he fought with himself, the sleep that often alluded him and the meals he couldn’t bring himself to eat. His body ached just from being alive and it was starting to affect the performance he delivered for his village.

 

When he was younger, his house was a mess because he didn’t really understand the whole concept of cleanliness, now it’s a mess because the amount of effort it takes to care about it’s state would damn near steal the last remaining energy he has and that is energy required to show the people of the village that he is strong and well.

 

Today was only a training day (thankfully) as Naruto lethargically began to get ready. During his morning shower, he sat on the ground and let the water run over him as he hugged his knees to his chest. This was one of the few times during the day that he let his thoughts consume him. ‘ _Why am I even bothering anymore? I have their recognition now. They know me. They say they care, why am I still feeling so pathetic. I defeated Pain. Heck I even got him to save everyone he hurt but I still feel like a worthless human being…’_ he thought as his shows concluded. As he rose from the ground, grabbed his towel and slowly began to dry himself, he felt his smile fall into place and tried to will the light back to his eyes rather unsuccessfully. Dressing quickly, Naruto left his apartment and headed to the training grounds to meet with his team. Little did he know that his internal war was beginning to take its toll on his tailed beast.

 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

**“ _What is wrong with this kid?_ ” Kyuubi grumbled to himself. “He doesn’t need to feel this way anymore, he has truly become a strong Shinobi”. He looked around embarrassed, thinking he could not possibly be proud of nor care for this cage but it slowly dawned on him that unconsciously he had grown fond of the persistent yet suffering person named Naruto. Thinking back he can remember instinctively wrapping his chakra around him during the worst of his self harming just to let him know someone understood. But he could never confess his affection, he was the nine-tailed fox, a demon. He didn’t have room in his heart for anything but hatred. Although right know, the only emotion he could feel towards his Jinchuuriki was concern as he noted the scenery of his seal becoming so dark it was like someone had swallowed the sun.**

*          *          *          *          *          *          *

 

Naruto took his time walking to training, allowing the people of Konoha talk with him and thank him for saving them from the Akatsuki. The more people he spoke to, the bigger the pit of despair in him grew. He wasn’t exactly sure why but he felt like all the colour around him became slightly duller with each passing conversation. ‘ _I wonder if the world seems grey for anyone else?’_ He thought miserably as he finally arrived to find Sakura and Sai waiting for him with an air of annoyance surrounding them. “You’re late!” Sakura screamed as he stopped in front of he. She raised He fist angrily but Naruto just kept staring , mumbling an apology with a forced chuckled. Sai just stood there, smiling blankly. A short time later, Kakashi and Yamato both appeared in a cloud of smoke only to be assaulted by Sakura screaming once more. Everyone looked to naruto, noticing he hadn’t screamed profanities at their lateness but he just widened his grin and chuckled half-heartedly. No one seemed to notice his odd behaviour or the look of bone deep weariness he had in his eyes.

 

Kakashi quickly announced that the training today would be a scavenger hunt around the recently destroyed village in search of supplies which may be buried under the rubble. Each team member was given a list with 40 items on it and told they had till the sunset to complete the task. Naruto looked at his list and grumbled internally and the sheer amount of effort this task would require. As Kakashi laid out the ground rules *no summonings*, everyone looked over their list with eyes full of hope. Hope at rebuilding their village and a future. Naruto looked at his team mates and mustered all the hope he could to show them he wanted this too but it failed. So he widened his grin and closed his eyes, hiding the despair he felt. Kakashi signalled the start of the challenge and everyone sprang into action, except Naruto who sat and began meditating. Or so it would seem.

 

As Naruto sat, gathering nature energy for his sage mode, he allowed himself to silently cry. This overwhelming despair he felt had become too much and he wasn’t sure why he was feeling the way he was but he had a task to complete and a nindo that demanded his full attention. Having achieved sage mode, he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. Everything seemed a little more colourful in this mode, he noted sadly. ‘ _Almost ready,’_ he thought as he stood ‘ _just one last thing to do before I start my mission.’_ Naruto pulled a Kunai from his pouch, took a moment to sense the nearby people and check that no one was close enough to see before slowly dragging the blade across his wrist. Instantly he felt a sense of relief was over him as he returned the kunai to his pouch. The smile on his face grew a little more genuine as he leaped into the air in search of the items on his list.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto realises too late that you cant keep a secret hidden from a ninja hound

**Chapter two**

As Naruto jumped from rooftop to rooftop he realised his mistake **.** He had forgotten that Kakashi was on this mission as well and had used a summon to call his hound to Konoha. Naruto’s mistake was forgetting that they instantly followed the smell of blood above all else and within a matter of moments from the time Naruto had sensed their presence till Pakkun was at his side, asking why he smelt of blood. “Just one of the wounds I got from fighting Pain” Naruto said sheepishly. “That was a few days ago, it should have stopped bleeding by now, let me take you to Sakura so she can heal you.” Pakkun replied with a hint of suspicion in his voice. “It’s fine, really.” Naruto chuckled nervously, “since my chakra was completely drained in the fight it’s still trying to heal the little things. It’s nothing, just a small scratch now that I irritated while running. Nothing to worry about.” Naruto’s grin took up the entirety of his face and Pakkun conceded. “Well alright, better get back to the mission.” Pakkun left, fully intending to inform Kakashi of this discussion, knowing that Naruto’# chakra was fully restored and suspecting something far more worrying.

 

 _‘Few, that was close.’_ Naruto thought to himself. ‘ **Why don’t you ever just talk to someone? Or do you still think you are the demon?’** Kyuubi asked, growing frustrated with the people around Naruto for not noticing his suffering. ‘ _What do you care? You never want to talk to me and you are stuck with me, why would anyone else care either?’_ Naruto thought back grimly. ‘ **Pesky human…’**  the Kyuubi thought back quietly. ‘That’s what I though…” Naruto turned his attention back to the mission, having dodged the Kyuubi’s random moment of compassion. The first thing on Naruto’s list was to find the remains of the medical herbs from the destroyed storage unit, not too hard for the village hero but increasingly difficult for the ninja who is losing the will to live.

 

As Naruto approached the wreckage of the storage facility, he noticed a strange chakra that did not belong to the village. He knew it was friendly but his presence put Naruto on edge, not from danger of the body but danger of the soul. “Hello, Naruto…” he heard the sullen voice protrude from the shadows before him. As he slowed to a stop he responded, willing as much enthusiasm into his voice as possible, “Oh, hey Gaara.” Naruto willed that cheesy grin to take over his face. “I didn’t know you were in the village, what brings you here?” Naruto fiddled with the zipper on his jacket, nervously waiting for Gaara to respond. After a pause, the Kazekage replied, “I came to see how you were doing after everything. I had heard about your masters passing, and then the attack on the village. I know you are strong but I felt a need to see how my friend was.” Naruto was rooted to the spot, thankful for the cloud that had began covering the sky, shading the light as he processed Gaara’s words.

 

 _‘He’s worried about me? But why?’_ Naruto wondered. **‘Idiot…’** Kyuubi thought. Suddenly remembering the man standing in front of him, Naruto staggered for a response, “I’m fine Gaara. It’s just been a lot but it’s all good, you know?” Without warning, a sand projectile flew at Naruto and he only dodged it due to sage mode. “What the hell, Gaara?” Naruto shouted, real emotion finally entering his voice, his mind. Naruto jumped back and took on a defensive stance. “If you will not tell me the truth, then I will find it for myself, just like the last time we fought. I will pull you out and I will do it your way.” Gaara replied. Naruto was stunned. He didn’t know whether to collapse and confess the truth or stand his ground and fight his way out… against his friend… against someone who knew this pain… Naruto wasn’t sure if he could do that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends dont accept 'i'm fine' as an answer

*Meanwhile at the Hokage’s Office*

 

“I am not sure what you are implying Kakashi but I cannot subject Naruto to an interrogation based off your hounds instinct” Tsunade sternly noted. Pakkun looked rather annoyed at the fifth Hokage but could see her side of things. He really didn’t have any proof that Naruto was in danger or that he was hiding something he just knew that something was off. Kakashi felt the same way. “I’m not asking you to interrogate him, Lady Tsunade, but he wouldn’t lie to you. I don’t think he would be game enough to lie to you if you asked him directly.” Kakashi paused for a moment, thinking through his next sentence carefully, “I just wanted to let you know our suspicions in the hope that you would check in with him as a friend. I’m also going to ask Iruka if he has noticed anything different. Naruto is just not the same as he was. Its understandable with Master Jiraiya’s passing but something else has shifted. Its like the light has gone off in his eyes.”

 

Kakashi thought back to how he had been this morning. Still wearing that grin across his face, but the smile didn’t meet his eyes and there was no life in his actions. Kakashi was drawn out of his thoughts as he realised the Hokage was talking once more. “Give him time. We all process grief differently and more than anyone, he has felt the pain of Jiraiya’s death. He also fought with Pain and something strange happened there, the nine-tails seal, meeting Minato, convincing Pain to save those he had killed…” Tsunade spoke as her eyes narrowed on Kakashi, “ He asked about you, you know, as soon as he got to the village that day, he asked why he couldn’t sense you. He had thought he lost both his master and his sensei so lefts just give him some time. Keep an eye on him though, he feels too much but he has more than earnt time to process how he feels without us crowding him. Understood?” She asked tersely. Kakashi nodded and disappeared in a bloom of smoke along with Pakkun. _‘Oh Kakashi, I can see why you are worried but you more than anyone should understand how unwelcome questions can be while grieving…’_ Tsunade thought as she allowed her head to fall to the desk in front of her.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

*Following Kakashi*

 

Kakashi felt a sense of understanding wash over him as he dismissed Pakkun and went in search of Iruka. Of course Lady Tsunade was right, he couldn’t be too pushy or he might make it worse but he was having trouble deciding the best course of action. He chuckled nervously ‘ _For the person who is next in line to be Hokage, its pitiful I can’t devise a strategy to help my grieving student.’_

 

Iruka was finally found in the records room of the academy. In retrospect, the academy should have been the first place he looked, Kakashi internally face palmed. Iruka was sitting on the ground of the records room, sorting through piles of paperwork that had been spilled from the boxes during the fight with Pain. He looked rather miserable and Kakashi could guess he got lumped with this job after losing a wager. He chuckled slightly at Iruka’s misfortune.

 

“Yo.” Kakashi said into the dimly lit room as he entered. Doing his signature salute and eye smile. Iruka looked at, amazed someone else had ventured into this chaotic area. “Hey Kakashi, what’s up?” he asked, slightly confused by the Jõnins presence. “Well,” Kakashi started, “I actually wanted to talk to you about Naruto.” Iruka’s face showed a flash of worry before his features become neutral once more. “What about Naruto?” Once again Iruka’s eyes gave away his concern. “Well, I’m a little worried about how he is handling everything that has been happening lately and was wondering if you had the same concerns or if he has talked about it with you or just anything really. He has been a little off lately and I am concerned.” Kakashi let his emotions show far more than usual while talking about Naruto and Iruka left out a sigh of relief that Kakashi was so concerned and shared his thoughts. “After news of Lord Jiraiya had spread, I found Naruto siting on a bench, staring blankly with tears flowing freely. I’ve been concerned since then. He was sad which was understandable but more than that, there was despair and something I could only describe as him shutting down. I have been keeping a close eye on him and now I am sure he is in need of our help. I want to allow him the proper time and space to grieve his own way but I am concerned that her is handling this in an unhealthy way. So the question now is how do we intervene without pushing him further?” Kakashi sighed, exhausted, “I have been trying to figure that out all day...”

 

_____________________________________________________

 

*Back to Naruto & Gaara*

 

Naruto was staring blankly at his friend, that feeling of shock and anger had been replaced with the numb despair once more. He almost felt like there was a black hole in his soul, sucking his emotions away and replacing them with despair, pain, grey... “I don’t want to fight you Gaara...: Naruto said at barely more than a whisper. “Then tell me the truth Naruto! Tell me how you really feel, and we won’t.” Gaara shot back, knowing that this fight was going to happen, not because either of them wanted it to, but because Naruto needed to break in a controlled environment or the consequences could be fatal.

 

 **‘What are you going to do Naruto? Didn’t you swear to protect your friends, not hurt them?’** The Kyuubi pushed, silently urging Naruto to talk to the main standing before him. The Kyuubi was impressed that this lone friend would not take ‘I’m fine’ for an answer. ‘ _What is with you lately? You haven’t talked to me this much, ever_.’ Naruto pushed back, genuinely wondering why he had become so boisterous, wondering if his despair was weakening the seal and inviting the Kyuubi to take more control. He waited for the fear and anger to register but he still felt numb to the whole situation. He almost craved that all-consuming anger that he had felt during is fight with Pain. He wanted to feel something. **‘I’ve never needed to before, you have always done enough talking for the both of us.’** The Kyuubi thought back, hoping to shake Naruto out of this void. ‘ _Yeah... whatever, you should be enjoying the quiet. There no need for all that noise anymore...”_ Naruto thought grimly as he shut the Kyuubi out and focused back on the situation in front of him. On one had, he could fight Gaara. Fight the one person who could truly understand. On the other hand he could talk, but words felt so foreign now and he had nothing left to give, no emotion to muster and acceptable response so he took a deep breath and took on a fighting stance.


	4. Chapter 4

 

“We don’t have to do this Gaara.” Naruto pleaded, “I don’t want to fight you.” Gaara rose his arms, accompanied by his sand, “We must do this Naruto! You cannot do this alone.” The sand hovered overhead as Naruto summoned one lone clone. Naruto took a moment to really think about what was happening before he started forming his Rasengan. Even his chakra had lost its colour, the rotating orb forming in tones of grey, Gaara noticed too and allowed his sand to gently fall like drops of rain over Naruto and  fall more like hail over his clone. The sand caused the clone to vanish and Naruto continued watching his rasengan for a moment longer before jumping into the air to push off a nearby tree. Gaara noted that there was no urgency in Naruto’s movements and simply clenched his fist. This caused his sand to become heavier, weighing Naruto down until he was kneeling on the ground, still holding his rasengan in front of him.

 

 His eyes became panicked as the sand kept growing heavier and heavier. He could feel his body turning growing cold and something snapped in him. It felt like drowning. He realised he had always felt like he was drowning, and, in that moment, he just wanted to breathe. The only thought in his head was about getting air. Gaara watched from his spot, paying attention to Naruto’s eyes, how his head hung and how he still held his rasengan before him, refusing to let the orb dissipate. “Oh, Naruto...” Gaara said, barely more than a whisper.

 

 _‘Has it always felt like this? Like wading through cement? Like swimming with chains around my feet. Why did I ever think I could live through this? All those times I talked about the future, about pushing through and becoming stronger... I can’t believe what an idiot I have been. I don’t see any other future now. Just this despair and this grey...’_ Naruto thought bleakly, staring at his swirling chakra. **‘Naruto, don’t!’** Kyuubi screamed internally, knowing what the Jinchuuriki was planning. The Kyuubi desperately threw out his chakra, bypassing the seal and hitting surrounding Naruto with the red cloak. Instead of it just surrounding him, it reached out with its tails until it was touching Gaara too. The Kyuubi was able to send one desperate message to Gaara before the seal disrupted his efforts. “ **Save him Kazekage brat!”**

Gaara was shaken from his staring by the frantic voice of the tailed beast. He regained his composure just in time to see Naruto raising his hand that was still holding the rasengan to his chest despite the sand shackles weighing him down. Gaara panicked. “No!” Naruto was not supposed to be able to move. He was meant to face his despair and make a choice but not be able to act upon it. Gaara lunged for him, grabbing his wrists and commanding his sand to wrap around the chakra in Naruto’s hand. Naruto had caused significant damage to his chest in the second it took Gaara to act. Thankfully the Kyuubi’s cloak was still wrapped around him and was already staunching the blood and knitting the flesh. “why... Why cant it just stop? Why can’t it be over? I don’t want this anymore...” Naruto was muttering incoherently as tears began to form in his eyes. He struggled desperately, trying to get away from Gaara, trying to reach for something, anything to stop the thoughts in his head. Gaara just continued to hold his wrists, unsure of how to help. In the end, Gaara decided the best thing to do was use his sand to put Naruto to sleep and then consult the Hokage about the best way to help. Gaara can recognise he doesn’t have the same skills for helping people that Naruto did when they first fought but he would be damned if he left Naruto to suffer alone...

 

* * *

 

 

“Kazekage! What brings you to the village?” Tsunade asked, startled by the foreign leader’s presence after such a catastrophic attack. “Lady Hokage,” Gaara responded, ever the picture of professional, “I had heard of Master Jiraiya’s demise and then word reached me of the villages destruction and I was concerned. I was concerned for Naruto. At every moment I have known him, he puts other before his own wellbeing and this situation has been no difference.” Tsunade felt a moment of panic and Gaara spoke, feeling his tone shift from distant to personal. “What has happened since you arrived in this village?” Gaara quirked his non-existent eyebrow before responding with a sigh. “I confronted Naruto and gave him the choice to either talk to me or trade blows with me. He chose to fight. I restrained him, and he tried to kill himself with his own rasengan. The Kyuubi prevented him from completing his attack on himself and pleaded for me to save him. He could not be consoled so I knocked him out and brought him to you. He is currently sleeping on the roof of this building. I suspect Kakashi is watching him at the moment.”

 

Tsunade was speechless. Her face betrayed her emotions. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed Naruto slipping into that despair. Especially since she had felt that kind of despair. She cursed herself for not noticing. She cursed herself for dismissing Kakashi’s concerns as well. “Oh, Naruto... why didn’t he... when...”  “There’s more, this is not the only instance of concern I know of. Naruto has cuts all over his arms and they do not appear to be healing quickly at all. I have a theory that he has prevented the Kyuubi from helping him. Our tailed beasts are wired to protect their vessel as it ultimately protects them but the scarring on his arms, it’s like he is not a Jinchuuriki when he cuts himself. He scars as if he were ordinary.” Tsunade felt tears form in her eyes. “What do you suggest we do Kazekage?” Gaara felt some tension release from him, these people did care for Naruto, but he couldn’t see it. “I was thinking he could do with a change of scenery but only with your blessing. He is struggling with the affection from the villagers since all he has known before is their hatred. I can relate. Send him on a mission to the Sunagakure and I will help him heal.”

 


	5. Chapter 5

“Well okay Granny. I don’t really understand what this mission is all about but I’ll do my best.”  Naruto said, forcing himself to plaster the biggest grin he could muster across his face. He couldn’t remember much about his encounter with Gaara other than the overwhelming despair he felt before he blacked out. Part of him thought he imagined the whole encounter with his friend but he knew it was real. The moment he woke up and realised he had been brought back to his apartment he knew something had happened, but no one was acting strange around him so he assumed he most likely passed out during his tussle with Gaara and was brought back to rest. ‘ _Yeah, that must have been what happened.’_  He thought as he escorted Tsunade to his front door. “You leave in 2 hours. Don’t be late, the Kazekage will meet you at the main gate. I’m trusting you with this important diplomatic mission so make me proud.” She said with a strained smile. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. “You got it Granny!” All this enthusiasm was really draining him, he didn’t have the strength for anymore pleasantries and was glad to see the door shutting before him. Not a moment later, he fell to the floor in exhaustion and leaned against the wall.

 

*****

 

As Naruto leaned against the wall, utterly exhausted from the sheer effort it takes to pretend to be happy, he was completely oblivious to the floating eyeball with a brown iris hovering outside his window, watching. Gaara could feel Naruto breaking under the pressure of the mask he wore but he had realised how delicate the situation was after the incident yesterday. He knew he couldn’t intrude into Naruto’s pain too quickly or without initiation or it just might push him over the edge. It took every piece of will power (of which he has a considerable amount given his history with Shukaku) to not bust through Naruto’s door and knock the Kunai out of his hand. Instead Gaara watched as his first friend clenched his kunai tight and dragged it across his wrist. He took a deep breath and allowed himself to feel the pain he was sure Naruto was feeling. After watching Naruto cut himself, he noticed the change in the ninja’s overall state. His body language had changed, showing the tension in his body slowly release. Naruto stood, wrapped a cloth around his wrist and went about preparing for the mission. Gaara sighed to himself ‘ _This is worse than I thought...’_ With that thought, Gaara dismissed his jutsu and began preparing himself for the long journey ahead, heavy with the information that his friends only comfort and release was through slicing his own skin...

 

****

 

Naruto felt so much better, having released those emotions he couldn’t feel through the song in his blood. It was like his mind had been quietened temporarily and a little more light could reach him. He could recognise that it wasn’t the healthiest way of dealing with his issues but it was the quickest way and it didn’t involve anyone else which was his favourite part. This was a release he could achieve on his own, rely on and access whenever he needed to.

 

He was still slightly uneasy as to why Granny Tsunade was sending him to Sunagakure and about whatever really happened yesterday with Gaara but he didn’t have time to ponder it further. He wanted to enjoy the high he was currently feeling because he knew this feeling would last for an hour at best and he had work to do. He needed to prepare clothes and rations for the journey, especially water since he was heading to the desert. He also needed to think of how he would release his pain while he was away, serving as Konoha’s addition to the Kazekage’s escort (an attempt to strengthen village relations).

 

****

 

Gaara arrived at the main gate earlier than the scheduled time. As he waited he pondered how he would help his friend through this darkness. He was sure a change of scenery would be a good first step. Being away from the villagers that once tormented him and now worship him will help phenomenally. But then what? What else can be done for the ninja who cannot find himself? ‘ _What if I can’t save him?’_ Gaara thought grimly. ‘ _He saved me but...’_ Gaara shook the thoughts from his head. Doubt helped no one and he could do this. He would do this. Naruto needed him and he would not fail. Just as Gaara thought of a way to break through Naruto’s pain, the ninja appeared, wearing that mask again. Gaara muttered under his breath “that mask is the first thing I am going to break...”

 

“Hey Gaara! Ready to go?” Naruto asked, oozing with a fake enthusiasm. Gaara felt his insides turn as he nodded his agreement and reached his hand out to shake Naruto’s. “Let us go, my friend. We have a long journey ahead.” And with that Naruto began his journey, walking beside his friend. Gaara wondered if Naruto realised his journey would not just take him to a new location but would hopefully save him as well...

 


	6. Chapter 6

Gaara had never minded the silence, in fact, it was often what he sought out. But as he and Naruto journeyed across the land of fire into the land of wind, Gaara began to hate the silence that Naruto radiated, and he did not know how to start the conversation. Gaara was away of his strengths and speaking just wasn’t one of them. He sighed heavily ‘ _I’m not the one that usually does this...’_  “So, Naruto,” Gaara asked hesitantly as Naruto slowly lifted his head. He had been staring at the ground since the journey had begun and he could feel Gaara’s unease.  “What’s up Gaara?” He responded, firmly wearing that mask again, forcing his voice to sound alive.  “I’ve been thinking, you haven’t ever actually gotten to explore Suna have you? There are so many places I want to show you and just wanted to see if there’s anywhere you wanted to go?”

 

Naruto let a moment of surprise show briefly on his face. Of all the things he thought Gaara would want to talk about (the mission, the Akatsuki, the Nine-tails, the impending war etc) he never thought sightseeing with the Kazekage would be it. “Um... I haven’t really thought about it.” Naruto replied. In his head a million thoughts were making it impossible for him to respond with anything more complex. The thoughts in his head were smothering him and all he could think about was the kunai in his pocket and the inviting spot of skin just beneath his jacket. As he began drowning in his thought, one spark silenced the buzzing. “I have heard the stars in Suna are more beautiful than those in Konoha. I think I would like to see them.” Naruto shook his head, surprised by his own statement. The old Naruto would have never said something so passive. But then again the old Naruto was just an illusion and he had once loved the stars before he could no longer see their light.

 

Gaara felt himself almost beaming with joy, surprised by Naruto’s lucid statement. A plan began to form in his mind, open rooms that looked out to the night sky above Suna, the silence of the night and the companionship it was clear Naruto was missing. “Well then my friend, I think I will make that a priority and show you all the stars have to offer.” Gaara didn’t feel as uncomfortable as they fell into silence this time. He had heard Naruto, the real Naruto and he just wanted to see the light. Gaara’s delight lessened when Naruto asked to take a short rest by the stream and excused himself further into the forest. As Naruto was forming his excuse he began nervously fiddling with his jacket sleeve. Gaara new this wasn’t just some rest and relief but an opportunity to silence his mind. Gaara sighed but let Naruto go. ‘ _One step at a time...’_ Gaara thought to himself as he watched his friend walk away. ‘ _but to be safe...’_ Gaara willed his sand eye to form and follow Naruto to ensure the damage was controlled.

 

****

 

Naruto walked through the forest with a purpose, searching for somewhere hidden. He finally found an exposed tree that was large enough he could walk inside and rested his back against the internal trunk. “ _this will do nicely. Unseen, unheard, alone...’_ Naruto reached into his kunai pouch and retrieved his favourite tool. He gently placed it on the ground next to him as he unfastened his jacket and place it on his other side.  As he picked up his kunai once more he felt the sensation of being watched. It was quickly dismissed as he noted the squirrel who was storing acorns in the tree where he had sought refuge. If he had been more lucid or had thought to look up he would have seen Gaara’s eye watching, noting the many cuts and scars over both his arms. Naruto shock his head and dismissed his paranoia. He drew his blade across three of the healing cuts, reopening them and watched as the blood poured down his arms, forming rivers that flowed into the earth below. He hadn’t thought to bring anything with him but the stuff he normally carried, having opted to leave his pack with Gaara for authenticity. This meant he had nothing to staunch the bleeding with or to clean his now read hand with. He needed to think but the euphoria had already began taking over and he felt himself floating, a genuine grin on his face. He did not expect what happened next.

 

‘ **Hey Naruto, looks like you could use some help to keep your secret hey?** ’ the Kyuubi asked, adding his signature chuckle to cover his concern. Naruto tried to think of the pitfall in accepting his help, but the white waves had already made him feel like he was flying so he silently asked the Kyuubi to continue.  **‘The Kazekage is smart. If you come back covered in blood and bleeding, he will notice straight away and begin asking questions you don’t want to answer. Let me close the wounds at least. Stop the bleeding. I will leave the pain but let me close the wound.’** The Kyuubi could not think of a way to disguise the concern in his words but Naruto was so manic right now, he agreed without hesitation and the Kyuubi felt a sense of relief. One of the wounds Naruto had opened has nicked a vein and was bleeding profusely. He would have passed out before he made it back to Gaara without assistance. In fact, he might very well pass out anyway with the complete lack of self-care he has been practicing. The Kyuubi could not think of the last time Naruto had eaten a full meal. **‘Wash your arms in the stream and return to the Kazekage before he becomes suspicious.’**  He ordered as Naruto swayed on his feet. He willed his red cloak to surround Naruto after the blood had been washed away and used his chakra to stabilise the swaying ninja as he walked back to Gaara. The Kyuubi had known that Gaara had been watching but this was not the Kazekage’s burden to bare alone. Naruto made it to the edge of the clearing in which Gaara waited before he passed out, hitting the ground with the red cloak still around him.

 

*********

 

Gaara dismissed his jutsu as he rushed to his friend. He knew his wounds weren’t too deep but something else must have caused the exhaustion. He nodded his thanks towards the nine-tails cloak as the chakra dissipated and lifted his friend who surprisingly weighed well below what he had mere months ago. Gaara could feel the indentation between each of his ribs and every vertebra of his spine stuck out. Apparently, things were much worse than Gaara had initially thought but he was glad to see that Kyuubi was making progress as well.

 

********

 

Naruto could not remember much when he finally woke up (which was a solid 12 hours later). He could still feel remnants of those white waves and didn’t feel like he was drowning at the present, but he had a bad feeling about the missing memories.  “I’m glad you’re finally awake” Gaara said over the whirling thoughts in Naruto’s mind. Shock. That’s what registered first. Naruto realised he must have had a pretty bad episode and passed out. Gaara must know something is wrong. Naruto’s white wave came crashing down as noise filled his head. So much panic over his secret being discovered that he began shaking. Gaara rushed to his side and wrapped his arms around the shaking ninja. Naruto wasn’t sure why, but he began to cry. Maybe it was about his secret being discovered, maybe it was because he finally felt something other than despair but some part of him thought it was because this was the first human contact he had received (excluding fighting) since the death of his master. Whatever the case, a floodgate had been opened within Naruto and it showed no sign of stopping.


	7. Chapter 7

_‘C’mon Naruto, get a hold of yourself. Why are you crying? This is embarrassing...’_ Naruto chastised himself however the tears would not stop. Gaara could feel Naruto’s panic and pain, as if it were a tangible thing and had taken to rubbing soothing circles on the ninjas back. He wasn’t sure why, but he began to hum. This, inexplicable, helped Naruto slow his breathing and subdued some of the shaking. It seemed like forever, but Naruto began to relax and Gaara felt this was a good time to begin the conversation he knew Naruto was dreading.

 

Naruto tensed himself for the blow as Gaara took a deep breath and began speaking. He was waiting for the “Are you okay?”  that everyone always asked, and he was armed with his usual “I’m fine.” However, Gaara did not ask him this question which only shocked Naruto further. Instead Gaara started with “I understand.”

 

*********

 

Naruto stared blankly at his friend as he held Naruto at arm’s length and stared with sincerity into his eyes. “I understand your pain Naruto. I understand that you feel the need to wear that mask to protect everyone. But just know that you do not need that mask while you are with me. I see you and I understand. I may not agree with how you are handling it, but I do understand.”

 

Naruto was stunned. He had not thought anyone could understand or that anyone would be able to speak to him with such compassion, free from the judgement and ridicule he had been prepared to face. “I... I don’t understand.” Naruto stuttered, feeling the pain bash against his barrier in his mind. “I don’t understand all this pain, all this noise. I don’t know how to be anymore.” Gaara looked on, not an ounce of pity in his eyes but a deep understanding. “We will figure it out together. I will not abandon you to your pain just like you did not leave me to mine.” With this statement, Gaara offered his hand to Naruto and pulled him up. He was still rather weak so Gaara supported him and they continued their journey to Suna. Both Naruto and Gaara had their minds racing, one thinking of the problems he was causing and the other planning solutions and opportunities to reignite the light.

 

***

 

Suna was still a day’s travel from where Gaara chose to rest. He had picked a hot spring, hidden from the path and visit by very few. It was a secret to the highly ranked in the land of wind and very few had been lucky to stumble across it. Gaara felt this was the perfect place to start his plan. Step one: Evaluation of the situation. For this step to be successful, Gaara needed to see the whole extent of the situation. He knew Naruto would be reluctant, but he was prepared to start the healing right here, right now.

 

“A hot spring Gaara? Shouldn’t we just keep going?” Naruto asked nervously, pulling at the sleeves of his jacket. “We need to rest and relax besides the winds are blowing a sandstorm this way, we would not make it through anyway, so we may as well stop here.” Gaara could feel the unease radiate off Naruto and watched silently as the mask fell back into place. “Well alright.” Naruto said, beaming his fake grin. Faster than the eyes could see, Gaara had jumped to stand directly in front of Naruto and whispered in his ear, “Remember, I see you. There is no need to pretend with me.” He pulled himself back and watched as Naruto’s mask crumbled and the sombre look reappeared. “Much better,” Gaara mumbled as he ushered Naruto to the springs, “now it’s time to silence all that noise.”

 

***

 

Naruto took forever to get in the hot springs. Gaara lost his patience and decided to send some sand in to speed him up. As Naruto ran from the sand whip that Gaara had used to herd him out, he could almost make out a smile on the sad ninjas face... almost. Naruto quickly dropped his towel and jumped into the hot spring. Gaara’s eyes were faster and noted the too thin body and the cuts and scars which covered him. His body looked like a tiger, covered in stripes. Naruto’s face reddened as he noticed Gaara staring at his cuts. Gaara shook his head and responded, “Don’t be embarrassed, every scar is part of the war you are fighting. I still see you.” Naruto nodded his head, unsure of any other way to respond. Instead he lent his head back against the edge and let his mind drift, further into the darkness, further away from his friend. Gaara watched on, his concern growing but also his plan taking form.

 

***

‘ _First things first, I need to get him eating and drinking properly. His complete lack of self-care will kill him if I focus on the self-harm first’_ Gaara thought as he examined the ninja before him. He noticed Naruto had drifted off into a peaceful, almost meditative, state and continued his examination. There were cuts all up his arms, ranging from deep to shallow. This discovery did not shock him. However, being able to count his ribs and noticing the various bruises over his body, it became apparent that Naruto had stopped his healing and had exacerbated his wounds frequently. Gaara began to wonder when this had started and whether it pre-dated Jirayah’s demise. Gaara began to wonder if he could talk to the Kyuubi by sharing some of his chakra with Naruto. He still possessed a small amount of Shakaku’s chakra, so he was willing to try, if it meant getting the whole truth.

 

Gaara reached out his hand, pooling his special chakra into his fingertips and gently placed his palm on Naruto’s stomach, right upon the seal. Naruto didn’t even stir.

 

***

 

 **‘About time you came to see me, Kazekage brat.’** The Kyuubi greeted Gaara. “I was not even sure such a thing was possible but the situation is far worse than I thought and I needed to know how it started.” Gaara responded. The Kyuubi looked downright upset as he relayed the story of how Naruto developed his coping mechanism.

 

 **‘It started when he was just a kid. The villagers used to throw rocks at him and one day he realised the pain was better than being ignored. Pain has always been a part of his life. After he found out I was inside him, his pain became self-inflicted. It grew worse over the years and slowly his real smile was replaced by that mask. Very few people ever really got to know the real Naruto but Jirayah was the only one who knew everything. When Naruto heard about his demise, something inside him broke and even the small amount of light that made it through my cage disappeared. He is lost in the darkness and nothing, not anger, not pain, nothing is pulling him out. I don’t think even he realises what’s happening. There is this constant question in his head, getting louder and louder with each passing second. The question is; who cares if one more light goes out? He doesn’t even realise he is planning a suicide attempt. So far, you are the only person to push past his mask since Jirayah. Do not fail him. I will do my part, all I ask is that you do yours.”** Gaara nodded and the connection faded.

 

 Naruto still lay undisturbed but Gaara noted the tears running down his cheeks and how tense his body had become. He decided it was time to pull Naruto out of his darkness now that he knew the real extend. Being no expert, Gaara decided the best way to rouse him was to begin a playful water fight and splashed the water across Naruto’s face.


	8. Chapter 8

 *Meanwhile in Naruto’s mind*

 

The noise in his head had become unbearable. All he could hear, over and over was: _who cares if one more light goes out? No one will miss you. It will be as if you never existed. Give up. Fade away._

The colours of his mind had been dulling over the last few months but now everything was black. There was no light on this mind plane and Naruto could feel a suffocating atmosphere stealing away his consciousness. He could barely make out who stood before him in his mind. It was himself only his eyes shone red and black. The other Naruto began to speak, attempting to be heard over the suffocating noise.

 

“Do you really think Gaara can help you throw this?” he gestured to the engulfing darkness. “Once he realises how bad it is, he will leave you too. It’s time to lay all this to rest, don’t you think?” Other Naruto asked, a menacing smile stretching across his face.

 

Suddenly a red glow began breaking through the darkness and Naruto was pulled from his mental prison by a splash of water hitting his face. He opened his eyes to find Gaara pointing a finger gun in his direction, ready to spray him again. Naruto shook his head, spraying water droplets everywhere and gave Gaara a sad smile.

 

‘ _I don’t know how this will play out but Gaara has earnt my trust, so I will believe him when he says he won’t abandon me but still...’_

“I have been thinking Naruto,” Gaara said to open the dialogue, “ we are friend but we know very little about each other. I would like the opportunity to get to know you. The real you. So lets start. What is your favourite food?” Gaara asked inquisitively. This was integral in his plan.

 

“Well,” Naruto replied, fighting the urge to use his mask and lie to his friend. “I always said it is ramen but that stopped being true sometime when I first became a genin. I used to love Ichiraku’s because they were the first ones to see me but I have had enough of being seen now, I will always love that place but ramen doesn’t make me feel whole. Now, the only food I can even stand to think about is simply fruit. It doesn’t remind me of anyone or anywhere. It is outside the mask I wear and the people I know. It helps to silence the thoughts.” Naruto’s face shone red, embarrassed by how much he had revealed from such a simple question. He chastised himself for not lying. Gaara, however, beamed at the information and how freely Naruto gave it. He allowed his sand to wander in search of fresh fruit while Naruto hid his face behind his hands.

 

“I am so glad to hear that Naruto. Now, what about your favourite colour?” Gaara asked, buying himself time as his sand found an apple tree in a nearby oasis and plucked some fruit. Naruto weighed the benefit of lying but could not find anything to support his tendency. “I really did like orange but now the only colour I can see is black.” Gaara felt some of his despair steal the air around him but didn’t let it dampen his mood at Naruto being real with him. “well then my friend, let’s work on finding some colour in your life. But for now, let’s eat.” At this, Gaara’s sand returned and both ninja’s exited the hot spring, drying off quickly and dressing in robes. Gaara could help but let his eyes roam over Naruto’s beaten body and made a mental note to heal the wounds and bruises on his back after they had eaten.

 

****

 

Gaara was thankful that Naruto had been more than willing to polish off several of the apples he had provided. He was also grateful that Naruto had been willing to let him examine and heal his back. He wasn’t sure why, but Naruto was allowing him to get so close to all his secrets, but he wasn’t about to complain either. As Gaara closely examined his back, he could tell some of these bruises were months old. He could see the fading blood cells and could also make out where he had replenished the broken blood cells to make them last longer. There was also on long cut that ran between two of his ribs and reached around to his spine. It was so straight, there was no questions about its origins being self-inflicted.

 

Gaara bit his lip as he prepared his medical ninjutsu. “Be prepared my friend, the techniques of sand healers differ greatly from what you are used to.”  Naruto gave a small nod before turning back around. As Gaara kneeled behind a seated Naruto, he willed his sand to cover his back in a thin layer and set his hands to massaging his shoulders. Naruto leaned in to the touch, allowing his tension to be melted away by Gaara’s sand. With each passing minute, the sand was replaced by new grains as the old ones removed blood and encouraged new cells to grow. This particular technique involved using the sand to manipulate the cells while the wielder physically moves the skin and muscles. To anyone it just looked like Naruto was getting a massage to help him relax. Gaara was also using this opportunity to pour his positive energy into Naruto and replenish his body just a little. Naruto took this opportunity to rest his eyes, his mind unusually peaceful.


	9. You're Not Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaara is making progress, tunnelling into Naruto's darkness. Will a moment of weakness undo all his hard work?

**Chapter 9**

Gaara worked on Naruto’s back for nearly an hour, encouraging the wounds to heal and leaving only pale pink reminders of battles fought. He was so engrossed in the healing process, he had not noticed that Naruto had fallen asleep. Gaara felt a mixture of accomplishment and disappointment. Accomplishment for making Naruto feel so at ease that he could sleep peacefully but disappointment that his progress has been halted for the remainder of the day. Gaara shook these thoughts away, ‘ _Progress will be slow and gradual. I cannot rush this...’_ Gaara debated the merit of leaving the ninja where he was sleeping, sitting next to the table, but thought better of it and carried him bridal style to his bed. Gaara felt the day’s events begin to weigh on him and decided the best thing to do would be to call it a night himself. The sensational of needing sleep was still new to him. He could not think of a time he had felt more exhausted than right now.

 

*  * * *

 

The images of the villagers flashed through Naruto’s head, showing how they looked at him when he was younger and how they looked at him now. The faces morphed back and forth until they were a blur of hatred and admiration. Naruto woke with a start, clutching at his chest, breathing erratic. He was in a panic state, having dreamt of the villagers and the pain their shifting emotions brought him. He couldn’t understand why he felt so distraught at the thought of them admiring him now when they used to scorn and hurt him. He began to shake. His mind was moving so fast, he could only think of one thing to stop this engulfing panic. He reached for his kunai but was halted by a low growling.

 

‘ **Stop Naruto’ The Kyuubi demanded.** _‘What does it matter to you?’_ Naruto replied, still reaching for his kunai. **‘Think what you will but you are not alone in this. Wake the Kazekage and talk with him. Do not push away your friend.’** The Kyuubi pleaded, a backup plan already taking form should his Jinchuuriki ignore his request. ‘What is the point of talking? I don’t want this anymore. I cant take it...’ **‘He understands you Naruto. He has felt this way. Just try.’** The Kyuubi made one last attempt to convince him as he pooled his chakra to rouse Gaara if Naruto would not do it himself. ‘ _Fine. I will try. I don’t understand why you care but I do owe it to Gaara.’_

Naruto still grabbed his kunai just in case and stashed it in his waistband. He walked over to Gaara’s room and gently knocked on the door. Gaara immediately woke and rushed to the door, half dressed and dishevelled. He looked nothing like a Kazekage should which made one part of Naruto smile, not externally but somewhere. “Naruto! What’s wrong?” Gaara asked, noting the paleness and tears streaming down his face. Naruto was unable to form words as the genuine concern in Gaara’s voice registered. He felt his knees buckle and Gaara’s arms wrap around him as they both fell to the ground.

 

It took Naruto several minutes of silence before he could form words. He felt his chest tighten and was glad Gaara was still holding him. “I’m sorry to wake you Gaara, it’s just...” He reached around and pulled out his kunai. He let it fall from his hands before he worked up the nerve to lift his head and look Gaara in the eyes. Gaara understood immediately and grabbed the kunai with his sand, placing it far from reach. He didn’t release Naruto from his grasp as he pulled him up and walked him to the table. He willed his sad to start boiling a kettle of water for tea and turned the lights on in the room. He understood Naruto needed time, so he didn’t ask any questions, and waited until the tea was ready before he prompted the conversation. As Gaara poured the tea he spoke the three words Naruto hadn’t realised he needed to hear “Talk to me.”

 

* * * *

 

Naruto could believe how easy it was to explain his dream to Gaara. He relayed the story and even the Kyuubi’s intervention and Gaara remained a patient listener until Naruto was finished. “I just can’t handle it, you know. They despised me, ignored me and now they worship me. That’s not what I’m used to. It’s overwhelming, suffocating...” Naruto relayed, scratching nervously at his wrist. This did not go unnoticed by Gaara who made a point of refilling Naruto’s tea cup and urging him to hold it.

 

“I understand this pain very well Naruto but it gets easier. It stops being a noise and starts being a song at one point. For me, it stopped being a burden after the Akatsuki incident. I finally stopped seeing myself as an undeserving monster and finally became me. Not the Kazekage me who was always strong for the village but the real me who shared the burden and let people in. That is when it stopped being overwhelming and started being a comforting melody.” Gaara shared his experience with the confusion over affection and gave Naruto a moment to process what he had said before continuing. “It will not be the same for you. I am not suggesting it is an easy pain to master but I am saying we will find a way. Im glad you decided to let me in rather than taking the alternative route. I will always be here for you.”

 

Naruto turned over everything that had been said in his mind. The noise was still there but right now it was subdued, pushed aside. Naruto hoped Gaara was right and that they would find a way. “Thanks Gaara.”

 

“Shall we try for a few more hours sleep?” Gaara asked, nodding towards the night sky outside, “Just one more day and we will be in Suna.” Naruto swallowed hard, wanting to sleep some more but fearing his dreams. “I... sleep would be...” Naruto stumbled over his words. Gaara smiled sadly, understanding the issue. “C’mon, the beds big enough for two, there is no need to be alone. I understand that pain as well. We need our rest.” Naruto gave the ghost of a smile and followed Gaara into his bedroom. They both climbed into the bed, keeping a respectable distance. Naruto fell asleep within minutes, comforted by thes teady breathing of his friend.


	10. Chapter 10

 

When Naruto awoke the sky was cast in pale shades of blue and pinks, the watery sunlight streaming through the rooms windows, casting little light. “Good morning.” Gaara whispered as if he were afraid of startling Naruto and he rolled over. Naruto realised in that moment how close their bodies were and how much of the bed he had been taking up, pushing Gaara right to the edge. His face grew read as he noted he was in the Kazekage’s embrace. “Morning.” Naruto said quickly, trying to hide his embarrassment but also feeling better than he had in months. Naruto went to rise but Gaara tugged at him lightly, a silent request for him to turn and face the other man fully. Naruto obliged and rolled over. “How did you sleep?”  Gaara asked, concern lancing his words. “Good.” Naruto said with a smile. “I think it’s the first time I have slept well since Pervy Sage, you know.” Naruto finished his sentence in a whisper, feeling that wave of emotion knocking at his mind. Sooner or later, he realised, he would have to talk about it. _I could do it now, get it over with. I feel so safe right now, maybe this is the best time to talk about him._ Naruto thought as he weighed his options and looked at his friend. **Do it now Naruto. You will feel the weight all day otherwise.** The Kyuubi urged him quietly, sending memories of Jirayah to the forefront of Naruto’s mind to convince him to talk more. “Naruto?” Gaara probed gently, noting the changing emotions displayed on his face, longing, confusion, hurt, betrayal. Everything. He was feeling everything.

 

Naruto bit his lip as a wave of emotion crashed upon him. After months of being numb, all these emotions felt overwhelming. He honestly wasn’t sure how to word this in a way that did not destroy his semblance of control. Gaara could see this thought forming in his head and once again reminded Naruto of the words he has spoken earlier in their journey. “You need not wear that mask with me. I see you. Every piece of you. And I will not let you face this alone.” Naruto nodded slightly at this and began sharing the tale of his master, the emotions he had been consumed by and the moment where he felt nothing. He explained his life lately as a balance between drowning and being thirsty. There were moments he was drowning in emotion and felt the current pulling him under, suffocating him with pain. The converse to that was the numbness, cold, unfeeling. It was like being deprived of water, oxygen, everything fundamental and needed for life. Gaara just lay next to Naruto and listened. Never judging, never interrupting. He nodded occasionally when Naruto met his gaze but he let Naruto continue, even when his voice broke and the tears came as he talked about Jirayah. Gaara moved closer in this moment and wrapped a supportive arm around Naruto, bodies practically entangled in one another.

 

Naruto could feel it so vividly, the pain at losing his master, a man who felt like family to him. He felt this pain more vividly than any pain caused by a kunai, more striking than any jutsu. It broke him apart, tears springing from his eyes and his breath became strained. He knew he was showing all his weaknesses and insecurities to Gaara but he felt so safe with the Kazekage, he did not think it would change Gaara’s opinion of him nor their friendship.

 

“I felt like I was dying when I heard he had been killed. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I felt that light inside me go out. The light he had fostered and allowed to glow. I felt it be smothered by the emptiness that now took his place. I felt all the joy and colour in my life sputter and die. But no one else reacted that way and I couldn’t let them see what it had done to me. I was meant to be strong and they couldn’t understand. I had been alone from the start. His death just put me back there. I was alone again but this time I had nothing. No colour, no light, nothing. I just wanted it all to stop and then I tried to focus on one thought, getting strong enough to end Pain. But after that, the numb swept in and I felt nothing. I needed to feel something but physical pain was all there was for me.” Naruto finally took a breath. He had never been so honest about his feeling and he felt the mask he usually wore trying to regain control, but he would not let it. He needed to be seen and he knew Gaara was the only one he trusted, now that he no longer had Jirayah.

 

Gaara waited to make sure Naruto was finished with his tale before he responded. “It is clear you loved Jirayah and his loss was felt most by you because of that love. But nothing is permanent. We can rebuild the light, find the colour, help you through this grieving. It will never be gone, that pain, but together we can find the light again. Thank you for letting me in.” Gaara showed Naruto how much his trust meant to him through the genuine smile he shared. “Let’s get ready for our journey. This time tomorrow, you will be waking to the sun of Suna and I promise you will not be alone for a moment unless you want to be alone. This is the start of our journey together to heal and find the light.” Naruto just smiled, truly in awe of his friend and the warm he felt around himself in that moment. He realised it was the first real smile any of his friends had been given and he couldn’t think of a friend that was more deserving of his true self than Gaara. As Naruto gave that precious smile to Gaara the Kyuubi smiled as well, whispering so low that Naruto would have only heard a whisper he said proudly ‘ **Finally Kit. You finally see it.’**


	11. Chapter 11

 

As the pair walked along the sandy path heading for Suna, Naruto felt a clarity he hadn’t felt in months. He felt balanced and centred and he knew who he owed this new sense of self to. He owed a great deal to the man walking next to him, but he wasn’t quite sure he would ever be whole enough to repay him. He could still feel the urge to draw blood knocking against the walls of his mind but he would not allow himself to let it in.

 

“So, how much further?” Naruto asked curiously. “Not long now.” Gaara responded with small smile. “It’s just over the next dune. We should be there within the hour” Gaara pointed to the sand dune on the horizon and Naruto felt himself become giddy with glee. Gaara gave a real smile, looking at Naruto bounce from foot to foot in anticipation.

 

Gaara thought carefully about the shift in his behaviour. He was trying to think about whether he should be worried about the shifting tide in Naruto or whether this was the natural progression of recovery. It was hard for him to make an impartial judgement when he found himself unable to look away from Naruto’s cheerful bounding as they made it to the top of the dune.

 

Suna was beautiful in the light from the setting sun. It was painted in vibrant pinks, oranges and yellows. Naruto felt his heart both swell and ache at the sight. It was full from the beauty of the village and the sheer life that it embodied. He felt an ache though, because Jirayah always talked of visiting the village with him. He felt a pang of loneliness and longing. He halted his walk. Gaara noticed the shift and reach his hand towards Naruto, a silent show of support. Naruto took it after a moment of hesitation and they walked on hand in hand until Naruto felt the loneliness shift to warmth, feeling the man walking next to him giving him strength.  The growing warmth centred on his face and Naruto realised he was blushing from the gesture of support, but he was in no hurry to let go of Gaara’s hand.

 

They walked through the streets of Suna, people waved and greeted the Kazekage and even threw happy greeting at Naruto, the ninja who had saved their beloved Kazekage. Naruto felt his skin crawl, he still couldn’t deal with gratitude and Gaara felt him tense. He gave Naruto’s hand a tight squeeze in silent reassurance. Naruto lost all feeling in his body and just went through the motions of walking through the city, allowing Gaara to lead. Gaara quickened his pace and allowed only brief waves to his villagers as they walked through. Sensing Naruto’s discomfort, he made a b-line for the Kazekage tower, reaching it in less than 2 minutes. As soon as they were inside, Gaara lead him to his personal quarters and allowed Naruto to walk out of his reach. He found a small chaise lounge in the corner of the room and allowed himself to crumple against its soft surface. He felt tremors wrack through his body and rode the waves of emotions that accompanied the many memories. He wrapped his arms around his knees and drew them up to his chest.

 

Gaara watched silently, trying to recall the cheery Naruto who walked through the gates with him. He realised the issue ran deeper than just grief for his master and recognised the grief he had for himself. He walked over to Naruto and wrapped his arms around him. For many minutes, he just held Naruto as the tremors wracked his body. Gaara didn’t push him to talk, he just traced gentle circles on his back and hummed a melodious tune that his uncle used to sing to him. Naruto finally regained himself and began to relax.

 

They sat like that until the sun had fully set. Naruto wasn’t sure how to explain what had come over him and as he finally looked into Gaara’s eyes, he realised he didn’t have to. Gaara’s eyes held so much understanding and clarity that Naruto felt his anxiety over the breakdown simmer away into nothing. He still felt the old impulse to cover his behaviour with a joke. “Not the most graceful entrance I’ve ever made huh?” He chuckled uncomfortably. Gaara, understanding the meaning behind this statement after hours of silence responded in turn. “I personally have always preferred your ungraceful entrances. My favourites involve you crashing in through windows and such.” He allowed a small smile for his friend and began the process of untangling their limbs with some stiffness.

 

Naruto was unsure of the process now. No one had ever stayed around after an episode and normally Naruto wouldn’t move from his spot for days until his body told he him had to. Gaara began fussing around and unpacking their things. It quickly became evident to Naruto that he would be staying in Gaara’s personal quarters while he was in Suna. This revelation left him giddy with excitement but also worried with trepidation. He enjoyed spending time with the Kazekage but could he really impose on him so much. His brokenness should not be dictating the other mans life. Naruto felt the worry nag at the back of his mind, begging him not to ruin Gaara with his problems. He was roused from his thoughts as Gaara asked if he was hungry. “Uh, yeah guess I could go for some food.” Gaara’s eyes lit up in delight. “Great, I have some many delights from my village that I wish to share with you. I know you are exhausted so I will go get us food while you relax.”

 

Gaara could see the red cloak starting to form around Naruto, showing his storm of emotions and the Kyuubi’s protective response. Gaara wasn’t sure if it was due to Naruto needing time alone to gather himself and sort through his emotions or if he was waging a different kind of war, either way he was sure Naruto needed a moment and that the Kyuubi would need to be the support in this. Gaara let his sand eye stay behind to monitor the situation. He knew this was not his fight and he couldn’t work through Naruto’s emotions for him. He left the Kazekage tower to get the food and notify his siblings of his return.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Naruto felt a sudden chill wrack his body as Gaara left the room. He was thankful for the space he was being allowed and that Gaara was not trying to take him back outside where all those people were. He was positive he couldn’t handle anymore people today. He wasn’t even sure he could handle himself. He still hadn’t moved from the spot he had fell into during his episode and he didn’t have the energy required to do anything other than readjust his body to stretch his legs and lay his head against the arm of the chaise. He let his mind wander.

 

***

 

 _I wonder if it’s always going to be like this? Will I always be so pathetic? I cant even walk through a village without wanting to rip my skin off my bones. I am such a loser..._ Naruto could not stop his mind from producing these negative thoughts. He didn’t want to stop these thoughts either. They were a comfort, they had always been with him. His thoughts grew dark. _Maybe I should just go back to planning. Im not really needed. Everyone would be better off without me. Im such a burden._

 **‘Oh Kit, when are you gonna stop thinking like this. There are so many people who care about you.’** The Kyuubi knew he sounded very concerned and protective of his Jinchuuriki but he was beyond caring. He had a deep connection with this Jinchuuriki, something he has never had before. The Kyuubi did not care if his emotions were transparent, he wanted to protect and nurture this ninja. **‘Naruto, the Kazekage brat cares for you deeply and I know you wont believe me but I care for you as well. I can understand that the pain you are experiencing is because of me but I will not let you throw your life away.’**

Naruto turned over the Kyuubi’s words before responding. _‘It’s funny, I always thought you were a demon, the worst creature possible but you never were. You were always honest of your intentions, your nature. People are the true evil, with their lies. They will never be honest. I will never be honest.’_ **‘Oh Kit, not everyone in your life is lying to you. He isn’t.  In fact, I think he truly see’s all of you. No one has ever bothered before. Don’t let the bad outweigh the good.’**

 

Naruto seemed to ponder this for a while. ‘ _I don’t think I will ever be able to let this go. These feelings, this hurt, the way out. I think it owns a part of me, much like you. I don’t think I can stop.’_ **‘Just try. That’s all we will ask of you. Try to see the good, the light. Try to talk it out. Try to live.’** The Kyuubi made his worry known and Naruto considered the time when his feelings shifted from dominance to co-existence, but he couldn’t really figure it out. Although the pull to reach for a kunai was knocking at his mind he ignored it and focused on the Kyuubi’s words; just try. ‘ _Ok. I’ll try.’_ The Kyuubi gave Naruto the warmest smile he had worn in centuries. It wasn’t a broad, unrestrained smile but it was genuine. Naruto felt some comfort in this gesture and his body fully relaxed, his mind drifting off into a light, dreamless sleep.

 

***

 

Gaara walked the streets of Suna at a slow pace. He took in the village around him, this home that he had found because Naruto had pulled him out of his darkness. He owed everything to Naruto and felt immense distress at the ninja’s current state of mid. He knew he was still feeling the pull of the Kunai but he needed to leave him to make up his own mind. With his sand jutsu, he could still see the red cloak around his friend and he was confident the Kyuubi was still working to heal his mind.

 

Gaara focused on his plan. He needed fresh fruit and needed to think of a way to help his anxiety over the villagers. ‘ _One thing at a time. Food first.’_ Gaara walked to the market and waved cheerfully at the store owner. “How can I help you Kazekage?” The owner chirped up, genuine admiration in his voice. “I need an array of fresh fruit. My friend from the leaf village is visiting and I want him to see the best that Suna has to offer.” “Of course. Let me whip up a basket for you. We got in some lovely dragon fruit the other day. It is so sweet and pure. I’m sure it will be well received.” The elderly shop keep began fussing around the various crates full of vibrant fruit. It was only a couple of minutes before he returned, handing over the large basket full of various fruit. “Give Naruto my regard. The village owes him much.” The shop keeper said with a smile as a goodbye, not accepting Gaara’s money. Gaara felt such love for his villagers and their acceptance of his friend however unwelcome it was to Naruto, Gaara knew it was genuine.

 

As Gaara walked back to the Kazekage Tower, he thought of what he would tell Temari and Kunkuro about Naruto. Should he tell them everything or should he tell them the official story? Maybe he should tell them something in the middle. He didn’t want to share Naruto’s secrets but he knew they would not agree to him staying in Gaara’s. room with just the official story. Gaara sighed as his mind began weighing the possibilities and the official mission which had been concocted to help Naruto.  He settled on a partial truth just as a familiar voice began calling his name.

 

“Gaara!” called Temari in a shrill voice. “How dare you not come directly to see us upon returning? We have been so worried. You left the leaf village a week ago. Its only a 4 day journey. What the hell happened?”


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

“Oh hello Temari.” Gaara gave he a small smile, “I was just on my way to see you guys.” Temari was furious. “Start talking little brother.” Gaara looked around nervously _,_ noticing the busy market square and the number of people within ear shot. “I will, just not here.” He used his face to convey all his words could not and Temari understood.

 

She led him at a brisk pace to the lower levels of the Kazekage tower before finding Kunkuro in the archives room.  “Okay Gaara, time to tell us everything.” Temari gestured to the table where Kunkuro sat, a stack of files before him. Gaara took the seat across from him and Temari sat next to Kunkuro. Gaara wasn’t sure how to word this but he knew he should start right at the beginning.  “So, you remember how I said I was worried about Naruto?” The siblings nodded in unison, Gaara comtinued “Well my concern was not unfounded and much has happened since I arrived at the leaf village and during my trip back. Let me be clear, you are not getting the full story,” Gaara saw his siblings spark a protest but he carried on before it was given a voice, “because it is not my story to share. You will get my truth and my participation in the journey and you will not ask for more. Am I clear?” He asked the question with such authority that his older sibling had no choice but to agree.

 

“Okay then. When I went to the Konoha, I went on nothing more than a hunch that Naruto was in trouble and that he would need a friend. When I got there, it became apparent he needed something more. He is in a very dark place right now and before I arrived, he was making plans to end his own life.” The look of pain that filtered across the sand siblings faces was very genuine but was quickly replaced by something fierce and protective. “What? Why didn’t anyone in Konoha help him? Didn’t they see?” Temari voiced her concern rather loudly and Kunkuro was gripping his fists so tight his knuckles were white. “Naruto has a complicated relationship with his village, even with those he considers his friends. It would seem that none of them ever really saw him so they didn’t expect it.” The sibling expressions returned to their neutral position, urging Gaara to continue in his story, promising no further outbursts.

 

“When I first arrived, I sense his chakra and followed him through the village. He seemed off and the longer I observed him, the more obvious his pain became so I confronted him. It did not go the way I expected it to and he attempted a rasengan through the heart. I was able to stop him and it would seem he does not remember the ordeal. Following this, I convinced Lady Hokage to allow Naruto to accompany me back under the guise of strengthening village relations and putting him in my official security detail.” Temari raised an eyebrow at this but did not comment.

 

“Naruto needed to get out of that village and I needed to determine how deep the darkness goes.” Kunkuro nodded and his eyes took on a vacant look, reminiscing over the bright ninja who pulled Gaara from his darkness. “On our journey here, we needed to make a slight detour to the private hot springs. The reasons are not mine to share but it was necessary. Anyway that’s why it took me longer to arrive. As to why I didn’t come straight to you was because the village was overwhelming for Naruto.”

 

Temari and Kunkuro both shared a look of confusion as this was not Naruto’s first time to their village and it was no bigger than Konoha. Gaara continued. “He became overwhelmed because the villagers kept acknowledging him. It’s the thing he always wanted but now he doesn’t feel like it is genuine. Anytime someone spoke to him or greeted him he became worse. I needed to get him out, so I took him to the tower. He was in a bad way, so I stayed with him until he felt a little more relaxed. Then I came to get food and found Temari which brings us to the present point of our story. Any questions?” Temari and Kunkuro exchanged a brief look before Temari asked, “Where will he be staying and is there anything you need us to do?” Gaara released a sigh of relief before responding, “He will be staying with me and yes, I need you to help me organise a few things.” All three sand siblings exchanged a mischievous look and began planning the ways they could bring light back to Naruto.

 

****

 

Naruto woke up and found that Gaara had still not returned. He wandered over to the terrace and looked out across Suna. The village was illuminated in a small orange hue, stemming from the various lights but Naruto saw it through a grey fog. ‘ _I wonder where Gaara has gone? I don’t think I was asleep for that long but still, I think ive had enough time to myself’_ Naruto could feel a buzzing in his head and he could recognise he was losing a fight with his mind. He clenched his fists and tried to focus on anything other than the buzzing in his head. He looked up and started drawing pictures in the stars. He knew a few constellations and he began tracing them with his eyes. _Ursa Minor, Sagittarius, Leo..._

 

He was so focused on the stars he didn’t hear the door open behind him. Gaara walked in to see Naruto standing on the balcony in a stance that clearly identified him as agitated. Gaara’s eyes first noticed his clenched fists and he could see blood dripping. Gaara thought the worst. ‘ _But when did he, he didn’t even move from the lounge until a couple of minutes ago. He didn’t even reach for his kunai and yet here he is bleeding again. Maybe I should not have left him.’_ Naruto could feel the eyes staring at him and turned around slowly. He had tears in his eyes and wore a vacant expression.

 

Gaara walked over to him cautiously, fruit basket still in hand. Gaara did not hide the concern in his voice as he asked, “How are you feeling Naruto?” Naruto couldn’t form words, they felt like something foreign to him. Like he would need to swim through mud to be able to reach them. He just shook his head because talking was not possible. Gaara felt a immense pang of pain as he saw his friend drowning before his eyes. He summoned his sand to carry the fruit basket to the dining table before his reached his hands out to touch Naruto’s clenched fists. He rubbed them gently, willing them to relax. They did and Gaara opened his hands and gingerly inspected the damage. He release a sigh of relief, the damage was not from a kunai to the wrist but rather finger nails puncturing the skin. ‘ _oh Naruto, what is happening in your mind right now?’_ Gaara thought as he led Naruto back inside and sat him down at the table. He didn’t let go of his hands as the sand began dishing the fruit out onto two plates.

 

Naruto’s eyes were slowly beginning to show him once again, the vacant expression slowly disappearing. Within five minutes of Gaara arriving and reaching Naruto, the buzzing in his head stopped and he was once again in control of his body. He ducked his head away from Gaara’s gaze in embarrassment and stared at their joint hand. He couldn’t remember most of what had happened, but he could recall the moment Gaara started touching him and the grounding effect it had on him. That touch started the process of bringing him back. “Hey.” Naruto said sheepishly, unsure of how to explain what was going on. More than anything, he hated the moments when he stopped being in control and was watching his life unfold without him. They were the hardest moments to explain.

 

“Hey. Ready to eat?” Gaara responded and just like that Naruto felt at ease. Gaara would not ask him to explain though it was clear he was relieved that Naruto had found a way back out. “You bet. I’m starving.” Naruto responded, slightly upset that Gaara would have to stop holding his hand, he was afraid of losing his anchor. Gaara however, had no intention of letting him go. He removed one hand but kept holding the other. They both ate in silence, periodically squeezing the other hand. Naruto squeezed to reassure him that he was still anchored, Gaara squeezed to remind Naruto that he had someone who was there for him no matter what.


	14. Chapter 14

Naruto ate everything that was placed in front of him. He could not remember the last time he felt so satisfied and full. Gaara gave Naruto a ghost of a smile upon seeing his empty plate. “Naruto, you don’t need to feel pressured here or like you don’t have a say, but I would like you to stay in my room while you are here. I understand that you will need your space but I need you to stay with me.” Gaara asked sheepishly, never releasing Naruto’s hand and hoping that the blonde would agree to his request. “Sure, Gaara, if that’s what you want. I don’t want to be a burden to you. I already feel like I have inconvenienced you so much as it is.” Gaara beamed with pure delight. “There is nothing you could do that would make you a burden to me. You are my friend. I would sooner battle my way to the ends of the earth than lose you.” Naruto felt his heart swell at the genuine affection he felt from Gaara in that moment and he felt compelled to respond. “Thank you Gaara. It means the world to me to have such a true friend like you.”

 

 “Let’s get some rest. Tomorrow is a new day.”

 

* * *

 Naruto work with the sunrise, noticing how the room was painted in different shades of sunlight. He felt so safe in the embrace of the Kazekage. The constant roaring in his head had faded into a buzzing sound, something that could easily be ignored. Gaara woke slowly, equally surprised to be getting such a restful sleep in the company of his friend. He decided the best way to begin their adventure was with a rooftop tour of Suna, showcasing the wonderful sights without all the chaos of its citizens and allow a quiet chat.

 

* * *

 

As the two ninjas jumped across the roof tops of Suna, Gaara pointed out important buildings, places of significance and areas that were hit hardest during the Akatsuki attack. Gaara provided only the bare minimum of commentary and was even less talkative after he received a messenger hawk. He tried his best to continue but as they reached the final destination Gaara wished to show Naruto, he had reached a decision about sharing the information. “So, how do you like Suna?” Gaara asked inquisitively, trying to bury his worry for just a little longer. “It’s beautiful Gaara but there’s something you are hiding from me. I would like us both to be honest with each other.”

 

Gaara shuffled nervously, hoping to delay the inevitable until after they had made some progress. “Fair enough. The message I received earlier was a summons for a five Kage Summit. After Pains recent devastation of your village and the attack on the 8 tails Jinchuuriki, there is talk of another great shinobi war. I need to leave in 4 days. It is your choice whether you wish to accompany me or stay in the village.” Naruto looked puzzled, certain this “mission” was a way of baby-sitting him above all and making it so he couldn’t do anything fatal.

 

“Why would you give me a choice Gaara? Aren’t I supposed to be part of your security detail or something?” Naruto asked, still feeling like there was a piece of information being withheld from him. Gaara allowed confusion to cross his face before he recalled the mission they had concocted for him. “Well yeah, but you are free to choose your own path from here on out. I would of course love for you to accompany me but if you feel like it would be the wrong decision, you are welcome to stay. I want you to take control of your life, on your terms.”

 

“What aren’t you telling me Gaara?” Naruto asked, feeling the buzzing grow louder in his head. “Please... just tell me...” Naruto’s voice shook as he made his plea, experiencing a flashback of all the people who lied to him over the years. The buzzing became overwhelming and Naruto clenched his fists, digging his nails into his still tender palms. Gaara reluctantly nodded, knowing this was only going to be made worse by his refusal.

“The person who attacked and captured the 8 tails was Sasuke. He has been declared a missing nin by the Raikage and placed as a high priority in the bingo book. He has also been accepted as a member of the Akatsuki. I’m sorry Naruto.”

 

Naruto felt an ice-cold pain in his very soul, like a sword being shoved through his heart. “Sasuke...” he whispered as his legs crumpled from beneath him. “Why would he join the Akatsuki? Why would he...” Naruto trailed off, feeling an overwhelming noise in his head. Scenes from his battle with Sasuke filled his mind, as well as the way the citizens of the leaf treated him after failing to bring the Uchiha back.

 

Gaara watched helpless as the scene unfolded, unsure how to help him. When he saw Naruto begin to reach for his kunai, he swept in and wrapped Naruto in an embrace, creating a shield with both his body and his sand. He allowed some sand to rub against Naruto’s skin, creating and abrasive texture, helping him feel something.

 

Naruto opened his eyes and were met with eyes of sea-foam green, staring back with concern. Looking at his arm, he could see a red mark forming from where the sand was rubbing. It was a different sensation from cutting, not quite as euphoric but helpful none the less. “Gaara...” He whimpered, understanding the reality of the paths before him. He could stay in Suna, alone and complete his plans away from watchful eyes. He could return to Konoha and follow a similar path with a few more road stops or he could stay with this man, the one who has never run away from him. **‘Stay with him Kit. There is no rush to walk the other paths. They will still be there if this one doesn’t work out.’** The Kyuubi broke into Naruto’s reverie, urging him to follow the red head. ‘ _Ok. Let’s see where this goes’_

 

“Gaara. I would like to stay with you. For as long as you will have me, I would like to walk this new path together.” Naruto tried to will strength to his voice, but it came across as little more than a whisper.

 

“Of course, Naruto. Stay with me for as long as you like. I will never let you go voluntarily.” They remained in the embrace until the sun had set. Gaara released the sand shield and allowed Naruto an unimpeded view of the stars in all their glory. The amazing blues and greens of the Suna sky made the constellations shine mesmerically. Naruto and Gaara both laid beneath the starry sky, watching the stars whisper promises of a brighter tomorrow and somewhere inside Naruto, a tiny star began to flicker uncertainly.


	15. Chapter 15

Gaara had no intention of letting this change in events derail his plan to heal Naruto. He knew he could reach him if he just kept trying.

 

They spent the night, sleeping beneath the stars of Suna. Gaara woke with the sunrise but Naruto remained asleep. Gaara could see a familiar red chakra cloak forming around his friend and realised it was the Kyuubi’s turn to heal a piece of Naruto. Gaara left a sand clone to watch over Naruto while he organised events for the day. 

* * *

 

**‘Kit, you have already made so much progress just by leaving the leaf with him. Don’t let Sasuke ruin this for you.’**

 

‘You don’t understand Kurama. It’s my fault Sasuke is doing all this. I should’ve stopped him. Why wasn’t I strong enough? I wish I had died in that valley. Everything since has just been pain and despair.’

 

**‘You are not responsible for his actions. Nothing he does is because of you. He is stuck in a different kind of darkness. You want to hurt yourself, he wants to hurt others. Let me show you what I mean. Let’s watch his actions towards you from the very start. Pay attention Kit. He has always been this way.’**

 

The Kyuubi walked naruto through all his memories of Sasuke. Naruto watched his memories as if they were happening to someone else. All the times he was ridiculed and bullied by Sasuke. All the times he had saved the Uchiha but was still tormented as being a failure. Everything he had done for his friend that was never acknowledged or praised. Naruto started to understand that Sasuke didn’t know how to show gratitude or appreciation much like He didn’t know how to receive it.

 

The last memory to appear was their fight at the valley of the end. Naruto didn’t think he could handle watching his failure but he felt Kurama’s chakra wrap around him protectively and pressed on. Everything happened in a blur but the pain he felt at that valley was a potent as ever. He began to realise that Sasuke had been seeing their bond as a problem, a tie that needed to be severed. Nothing Naruto had done could’ve changed that. Sasuke couldn’t find the light and had chosen to destroy anything that could. Naruto finally understood.

 

‘Ok. I get it. We are two sides of the same coin. I want to die. He wants to kill. Only we can change that for ourselves.’Naruto whispered in his mindscape, feeling lighter than he had in months.

* * *

 

Gaara met up with Temari and Kunkuro to plan for the days activities. His first idea was to help with grounding strategies which it was clear Naruto needed help with. Something to help him feel when he was overwhelmed rather than a Kunai.

 

The activity involved fusing sand with chakra to create a bracelet that would react to different emotions and create a pressure or sensation for the wearer based on the emotional need. Gaara smiled as his plan unfolded. All that was missing was the guest of honour. Gaara waited patiently for Naruto to arrive with his clone. 


	16. Chapter 16

Naruto arrived around lunchtime, having apparently raced Gaara’s clone across the village in a game of tag. Gaara smiled as his clone dissolved, warmed by the joy in Naruto’s face and the clarity in his eyes. Naruto was out of breath, finally starting to realise how abused and unhealthy his body had become.

 

He felt so much better after his pep talk with Kurama and was looking forward to whatever the day would bring. “So Gaara, what are we doing today?” Naruto asked inquisitively, noting the surrounding, the enclosed cave mouth and the sand siblings.

 

“Think of it as a different kind of training Naruto. We will be forming chakra bracelets that react to our emotional state and provide a grounding point. You will be forming yours by combining both yours and Karama’s chakra into this pile of sand. Focus on it and let your mind wander. It will react accordingly and form what you need.”

 

Naruto focused as he was asked and Gaara turned to his own pile of sand, doing the same thing. Both ninjas closed their eyes and let their memories fill their bodies. Gaara watched memories of a childhood of being feared and abused, never having anyone. He then felt the bloodlust that drove him to kill, he was feeling overwhelmed by these emotions until he saw his memories of Naruto, their fight and their friendship. Temari noticed the change in Gaara’s chakra and signalled for Kunkuro to brace himself. As Gaara walked through his memories of Naruto, the sand exploded, leaving behind a glowing bracelet, shaped in interlocking rings.

 

Gaara looked over to find Kurama’s red cloak surrounding Naruto and a body language that made his heart sink. Naruto looked so defeated as he poured his memories into the sand. Gaara noticed tears rolling down his cheek and couldn’t help but reach for him. He was halted by his siblings who shook their heads. This was something Naruto had to do on his own. He needed to walk through his pain and find the way out.

 

* * *

 

  **‘We can do this Kit.’** Kurama urged Naruto forward through his memories. The countless beatings, the shunning, the torment and then finally the pain. Naruto halted once again as he watched his first encounter with self-harm. Even now, he felt his body shake with anticipation. As he watched a younger version of himself drag the kunai across his wrist, he felt the relief. He didn’t want to keep moving, he wanted to stay in the moment forever.

**‘You need to let this go, Gaara is waiting for you. He is everything you deserve in a friend, don’t let him down.’** Kurama urged, surprising himself with how fond he had become of the Kazekage brat.

 

Naruto shook his head, trying to clear away the euphoria that was preventing him from thinking straight. ‘You're right. He’s waiting for me. Let’s go Kurama.’

 

They walked through years of abuse, neglect and self-harm. They were once again stopped by the pain of Sasuke’s betrayal and Jiraiya’s death but after a moment, Naruto was able to keep moving forward, feeling the reassuring chakra of Kurama wrapped around him. They final memory he had to work through was trying to kill himself when Gaara confronted him.

 

‘Why was I so scared? All he wanted to do was help me. Why did I want to die in front of him? That would’ve been so cruel. I’m sorry Gaara.’ Naruto whispered as he walked through that memory and found the way out. The sand exploded with so much force that Gaara had to throw up a shield around himself and his siblings. Naruto watched as the sand fell like snowflakes around him, revealing his bracelet, formed from beads as black as night, infinity symbols the colour of star light and two seafoam green teardrops.

 

Naruto picked up his bracelet and slid it over his wrist. He noted the comforting cold it provided in contrast to the desert heat. He turned in time to see two tears fall from Gaara’s eyes. He wasn’t sure why Gaara looked so concerned and wondered if he was forced to watch their earlier encounter play out, wondered if the Kazekage was mad at him for attempting such an act before his very eyes.

 

Naruto felt a wave of despair wash through him and felt his bracelet react by tightening around his wrist and sending a gentle breeze, light as a caress, along his arm. Gaara reached out for him,  but Naruto felt more in control, noting the shaking had stopped almost as soon as it started. He stared at his bracelet in wonder and spoke with such adoration and gratitude. “Thank you Gaara.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a short Chapter. Sorry about the delay in updating. The stories become harder for me to write when they start healing their trauma. I hope the next chapter will be up within the week.

**Chapter 17**

****

The next few days flew by with Gaara teaching Naruto other ways to manage his pain and his negative thoughts. These included a different form of meditating from his sage mode, which focused on stilling the internal rather than absorbing external energies. Naruto learnt so many things about himself and felt like he was almost ready to return to Konoha. It was time to depart for the five Kage summit and Gaara grew increasingly nervous about how Naruto would react to the change, but he had faith in his friend.

 

* * *

 

The travelling was tedious, crossing slowly to avoid exerting unnecessary energy should they run into conflict. Naruto couldn’t help worrying his bracelet as they walked. It did not go unnoticed by the Kazekage.

 

Gaara didn’t want to push the issue, after all, Naruto had made great strides in his recovery during his time in Suna however Gaara was troubled by the behaviour of his friend. It’s like he was waiting for an attack, constantly looking to the forest at his left. Gaara used his connection with the sand below the earth to scan the area. No one else was around however he could feel something with malicious intent from the west of their position. It wasn’t so much a person but a blank spot. Almost like a void. Gaara was amazed Naruto could sense that but worried that he hadn’t said anything. There was something more he knew.

 

“Naruto. What is it?” Gaara asked, not wanting to raise his voice above a whisper so no one else in their travelling party could hear.

 

“Its him. He’s coming for me...” Naruto’s voice was hollow, like all the life had been drained from him. Naruto gave Gaara one last thankful smile as a giant snake emerged from below the earth and took Naruto as a captive in his mouth.

 

Gaara was thrown to the side with such force, his sand barley managed to stop him from being impaled on a nearby dead tree. The advisor in his company were not so fortunate. In a matter of seconds, their party had been reduced from 12 to 3. Gaara was left only with the company of his siblings as even his guards had been rendered useless against the companions of the attacker, using the water in their bodies to drown them from the inside.

 

When Gaara finally caught his bearings, there was only one word on his lips, “Naruto!”

 

* * *

 

Naruto didn’t fight as the snake swallowed him. He knew Sasuke would want to taunt him so he wouldn’t actually die in the snakes belly. He could feel that numbness begin to settle in his limbs and fought against his own mind shutting down. He focused on the training he had received from Gaara. He focused on his breathing. In... Out... Feeling the air fill his lungs. Nothing else but his breaths.

 

Once he got his breathing under control, he felt his bracelet activate, constricting around his wrist and sending a cool breeze along his skin. Naruto could feel himself regaining control. He thought now would be a good time to meditate and enter sage mode, ready for the fight that was sure to happen next. By the time he was removed from the snake’s body, he was calm, powered up and ready to confront his best friend.

 

“Sasuke...”


	18. Chapter 18

“Naruto. You look like shit. You really are pathetic.” Sasuke taunted. It was true, Naruto was no longer concealing himself in a transformation. He was completely unveiled, pale and thin. His face had regained some colour and the rings around his eyes had started to fade but he still needed time.

 

“I am what I am.” Naruto responded. He was stronger now. He knew someone cared. He wasn’t in this alone. He had Gaara and Kurama. He could face this knowing he was loved.

 

“It’s time we ended this Naruto. I need more power. I need you to die. I need to destroy the leaf. You will not stand in my way dobe.” Sasuke allowed the venom to seep into his voice.

 

“It’s ironic teme. If you would’ve done this a week ago, I wouldn’t have even fought you. I would’ve let you end me. It would’ve made me happy. But I wanna see tomorrow. I want to see what this world has to offer. I finally know who my friends are, and I realise that as you are now, you are not my friend. I will not let you end me Sasuke and you will not destroy the leaf.” Naruto responded, a hidden strength in his voice as he looked forward to his future.

 

Sasuke began channelling his chakra into a lightning blade, aiming for a quick blow. Naruto dodged easily, knowing his body could not handle a full-frontal assault and instead tried to analyse his surroundings. He knew escape was his best shot at a future, he just needed to find his friends and lose Sasuke.

 

Naruto summoned his clones, infusing Kurama’s chakra with his own. Each of his clones formed a tailed beast bomb while the original Naruto slipped to the back of his crowd. He switched consciousness with Kurama, knowing he would be harder to track if his signature was in tuned with the forest. As his clones unleashed their beast bombs, Kurama used his chakra to perform a teleportation similar to the Flying Raijin technique. It worked through a shared chakra connection rather than a marking. Thanks to his previous exchange, Gaara was a viable option. This allowed Kurama to immediately transport to Gaara last registered chakra signature.

 

Kurama scanned the area and realised Gaara was nearby but hidden. He switched back with Naruto so he could find Gaara. Naruto clearly had some kind of inkling that Kurama did not. He started running as soon as his consciousness was in control. He ran for about 5 minutes before he turned down a hidden path that lead to a hidden oasis.

 

Naruto recognised the area from their trip to Suna. He figured the best place for Gaara to be recovering from the attack would be the hot springs they visited on their journey. He was, of course, right. Gaara, Temari and Kunkuro were all standing in fighting stances as he burst through the door. They quickly relaxed and Gaara grasped Naruto in a tight hug.

 

“Naruto...” Gaara whispered, clutching his friend tightly in the embrace, “I was so worried about you...”

 

Naruto returned the embrace of his friend and responded “If it wasn’t for everything you have done for me, I would have just let him end me. But I owe you more than that.”

 

Naruto broke the embrace and stepped away to speak to them all. “We need to go. I escaped but he won’t be far behind me. I'm not strong enough to fight him. He wants to kill me and destroy the leaf. We need to warn them.” Naruto was on full alert, scanning the room as the sand siblings tried to form a plan.


End file.
